I am (happily) studying to be a nurse. I won't get into the path that led me back to school at age 38. It has been a complex and astonishing journey. I was lucky enough to be raised by many people who taught me that we live many lives in this one, and each has a purpose. I was taught to pay attention. I was given encouragement to take ownership of my own life. There is always a way to change or augment a less than satisfying circumstance. I have put this precious knowledge into practice many times. This most recent pursuit feels as close to a "calling" as I could hope for. I am filled with anticipation for the challenges and joys that are to come.
That being said, the getting there is hard. Really hard. The balance is more difficult to strike each semester and each day feels like an exercise in figuring out the places where not giving enough now can be made up for later. I won't even get into the financial strain that has been created by me being back in school full time for 4 years in this economy. I have such regret for ways that I have wasted precious dollars in the past. Each day, I am actively conquering the stress that money has put on so many parts of my life. I am glad that I know 101 things to do with chicken thighs or pasta, that I love all manner of root vegetables and that I have never been afraid of breakfast for dinner.
More than that, I thank all goodness in the world for the steadfast love and support that surrounds me. I am so touched and amazed by the people that populate my life. There are some days when I reflect on my behavior or flaws of the day before and think that I surely would have told me to suck it if I were them. It must especially challenge the people with whom I share my daily life to watch me strive for a level of perfection in my academic achievement while they are eating ramen or grilled cheese, hearing me ask them for another favor and dealing with my crabby ass!
But that is part of love. They also hear me talk about all of the things that I am learning and see the sparkle in my eye. They see me doing my best for them and for myself, and they celebrate. They make sure to consistently remind me that it is ok when they might have to wait for something or deal with the logistical fallout from things I have overlooked that I used to be right on top of. They forgive me without exception. They feel a part of it, good and bad, and they believe in me.
With a measurable amount of pain, I recognize that I have not valued this enough in the past. I know I am a good person with good intentions. I have also made many mistakes. I have come close to the edge many times. I have given and most certainly asked for and required much forgiveness. I have needed to learn when to walk away. That particular learning curve has proven quite challenging for me. After many recent reminders too blatant to be ignored, I think I have it now. Hurt moves in all ways, like the queen on a chess board. But guess what...so does love.
There can be no doubt, recognizing all of this is one of the reasons for this time in my life. I now understand that I have lived the life of Riley when it comes to being taught how to love. Something has come together to bring me here, even if through some darkness. I am so grateful and aware of that crucial part of this calling.
That, and the fact that I am going to be a kick ass nurse.
That being said, the getting there is hard. Really hard. The balance is more difficult to strike each semester and each day feels like an exercise in figuring out the places where not giving enough now can be made up for later. I won't even get into the financial strain that has been created by me being back in school full time for 4 years in this economy. I have such regret for ways that I have wasted precious dollars in the past. Each day, I am actively conquering the stress that money has put on so many parts of my life. I am glad that I know 101 things to do with chicken thighs or pasta, that I love all manner of root vegetables and that I have never been afraid of breakfast for dinner.
More than that, I thank all goodness in the world for the steadfast love and support that surrounds me. I am so touched and amazed by the people that populate my life. There are some days when I reflect on my behavior or flaws of the day before and think that I surely would have told me to suck it if I were them. It must especially challenge the people with whom I share my daily life to watch me strive for a level of perfection in my academic achievement while they are eating ramen or grilled cheese, hearing me ask them for another favor and dealing with my crabby ass!
But that is part of love. They also hear me talk about all of the things that I am learning and see the sparkle in my eye. They see me doing my best for them and for myself, and they celebrate. They make sure to consistently remind me that it is ok when they might have to wait for something or deal with the logistical fallout from things I have overlooked that I used to be right on top of. They forgive me without exception. They feel a part of it, good and bad, and they believe in me.
With a measurable amount of pain, I recognize that I have not valued this enough in the past. I know I am a good person with good intentions. I have also made many mistakes. I have come close to the edge many times. I have given and most certainly asked for and required much forgiveness. I have needed to learn when to walk away. That particular learning curve has proven quite challenging for me. After many recent reminders too blatant to be ignored, I think I have it now. Hurt moves in all ways, like the queen on a chess board. But guess what...so does love.
There can be no doubt, recognizing all of this is one of the reasons for this time in my life. I now understand that I have lived the life of Riley when it comes to being taught how to love. Something has come together to bring me here, even if through some darkness. I am so grateful and aware of that crucial part of this calling.
That, and the fact that I am going to be a kick ass nurse.
1 comment:
"Hurt moves in all ways - like a queen on a chess board." I'd never heard it phrased that way before, and maybe no one has said it that way before, but I knew instantly what you meant. I love moments like that when an unexpected connection is made. You never know when something you write will communicate itself to someone else's heart. What a lovely process it is. Thank you for sharing what is in Your heart.
I think you'll definitely make a kick-ass nurse!
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