So brown and still.

I love this experience of seeing and feeling something new. This landscape is one that is more still than I have ever experienced. There is the madness of the strip, which I could take or leave for the rest of my life, no matter how old or lame that makes me. But the mountains loom in their romantic and mysterious way in the distance. And everything feels still.

I think it must be the big rocks that are on the horizon that I will visit tomorrow. I think that they hold magic. I think that they hold it deep inside in a way that makes everything, even in its chaos, even in me, feel still.

I am looking very forward to meeting a red rock. I think we might just have some energy to exchange.

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas may just have a very different meaning for this sensitive girl.

I am making the desert my friend.

Simple Pure Beauty

Things like this make me wish I was more than an appreciator of music. It makes me want to sit right in the middle of it all.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=trabFH-bvoM

Thank you to the people who have the dedication and discipline and strength to follow the call and make us know who you are with such beauty. This makes me feel somehow less alone.

The death of Jobs

Most of the people that know me will be surprised that I am moved to blog about the death of Steve Jobs. I have been accused of being on the Luddite side of technological "advancement." In the interest of transparency, I will say up front that I think the ways that we have used the mind bending advances of technology have not necessarily been in the interest of true human evolution.

I am less than impressed by a car that parallel parks itself. I ranted after seeing the commercial that shows the young man shoving his phone in the face of the elderly Italian man from his late grandfather's village that he is visiting for the first time in order to communicate something personally important. The schizophrenia that surrounds our human relationship with technology makes me shudder sometimes. It seems that in the name of innovation we only strive to make ourselves lazier. For God's sake, it is completely within our abilities to learn to parallel park! We are already totally capable of doing what the majority of the world has done and learn another language if we want an experience in a place where people speak a language other than our mother tongue! Let the investment in human ingenuity cure cancer, AIDS, Alzheimer's or harness a clean energy source. Really, isn't it better to work towards accomplishing the dream of  teleporting someday rather than succeeding in having the ability to tweet about how awesome it would be to teleport?  To quote Thoreau, "Lo! Men have become the tools of their tools."

And...

I fully own that I have my own schizophrenia surrounding technology. Without it, I would not be sharing these ideas in this moment. Without it, my communication with so many that I hold dear would be delayed. I would not have seen the picture of my nephew going to his first day of school in a new place that is 2000 painful miles away. I would not have nearly the same documentation of so many beautiful moments in my life. There would not be unknown people in Saudi Arabia reading my words. I would not have been able to see my best friend performing in France. I would not have heard so much of the music that is now crucial to my survival. I, plainly, would be ignorant of so many things that I now know.

All of this to say, it all comes down who is owning, driving and/or marketing the advancement. Although I have admittedly chortled at people standing in line to buy the latest overpriced iteration of the iFill in the blank, the contribution of Steve Jobs to our collective societal consciousness and aesthetic cannot be denied.  I have a deep personal respect for visionary people who make it their life's work to see those visions actualized. In this time in America, when innovation is so precarious and lacks broad investment, I am saddened by the loss of a true American original. The blending of form and function has rarely been so seamless. I love today's statement by our much maligned President:

"There may be no greater tribute to Steve's success than the fact that much of the world learned of his passing on a device he invented."

Who of us could wish for anything more poetic?

So, thank you, Steve Jobs, for helping to make it possible for musicians to have more control over their product. Thank you for all of the careers that you helped to launch in the designing, perfecting, marketing and use of the brilliant products that Apple made under your stewardship.Thank you for making your brave fight with cancer public and giving countless people hope for what remained of their lives.
 
There is a broader societal analogy to be made between the death of capital "J" Jobs and the lower case of the same word. That is for another day. For now, BF Skinner's words resonate profoundly enough for me.

"The real problem is not whether machines think but whether men do."

13

I am straddling the line of who I am and who I want to be. I know that my truth lies somewhere in between. I am trying to get there and I am trying to keep my blessings in mind. My children are healthy and strong. I have many beautiful relationships in my life. People that, unfortunately and fortunately, love me better than I love myself sometimes.

Things I know:
1. I am doing the best I possibly can in this moment.
2. This moment requires me writing.
3. I am writing.
4. I am still inspired by many, and that means a great deal.
5. I am unsuccessfully choking back tears.
6. That is OK.
7. I have asked for everything I need.
8. I have accepted that I may not get that on my terms.
9  I have humbled myself to knowing that my terms are not imperative.
10. I need what I need, and am tired of feeling like I am drowning.


11. I need to revisit I am only who I am.
12. I miss my best friend.
13. Thank God for this moment and the knowledge and healing that I know will follow.

Gratitude

Thank God for communication built in love and leaving the rest out.

Tapestry

I am (happily) studying to be a nurse. I won't get into the path that led me back to school at age 38. It has been a complex and astonishing journey. I was lucky enough to be raised by many people who taught me that we live many lives in this one, and each has a purpose. I was taught to pay attention. I was given encouragement to take ownership of my own life. There is always a way to change or augment a less than satisfying circumstance. I have put this precious knowledge into practice many times. This most recent pursuit feels as close to a "calling" as I could hope for. I am filled with anticipation for the challenges and joys that are to come.

That being said, the getting there is hard. Really hard. The balance is more difficult to strike each semester and each day feels like an exercise in figuring out the places where not giving enough now can be made up for later. I won't even get into the financial strain that has been created by me being back in school full time for 4 years in this economy. I have such regret for ways that I have wasted precious dollars in the past. Each day, I am actively conquering the stress that money has put on so many parts of my life. I am glad that I know 101 things to do with chicken thighs or pasta, that I love all manner of root vegetables and that I have never been afraid of breakfast for dinner.

More than that, I thank all goodness in the world for the steadfast love and support that surrounds me. I am so touched and amazed by the people that populate my life. There are some days when I reflect on my behavior or flaws of the day before and think that I surely would have told me to suck it if I were them. It must especially challenge the people with whom I share my daily life to watch me strive for a level of perfection in my academic achievement while they are eating ramen or grilled cheese, hearing me ask them for another favor and dealing with my crabby ass!

But that is part of love. They also hear me talk about all of the things that I am learning and see the sparkle in my eye. They see me doing my best for them and for myself, and they celebrate. They make sure to consistently remind me that it is ok when they might have to wait for something or deal with the logistical fallout from things I have overlooked that I used to be right on top of. They forgive me without exception. They feel a part of it, good and bad, and they believe in me.

With a measurable amount of pain, I recognize that I have not valued this enough in the past. I  know I am a good person with good intentions. I have also made many mistakes. I have come close to the edge many times. I have given and most certainly asked for and required much forgiveness. I have needed to learn when to walk away. That particular learning curve has proven quite challenging for me. After many recent reminders too blatant to be ignored, I think I have it now. Hurt moves in all ways, like the queen on a chess board. But guess what...so does love.

There can be no doubt, recognizing all of this is one of the reasons for this time in my life. I now understand that I have lived the life of Riley when it comes to being taught how to love. Something has come together to bring me here, even if through some darkness. I am so grateful and aware of that crucial part of this calling.

That, and the fact that I am going to be a kick ass nurse.

Gratitude

Thank God for the uninhibited, joyful, high pitched giggles of my uninhibited, joyful, high pitched daughter.

"August, die she must. The autumn winds blow chilly and cold."

I grew up exposed to a wealth of quality, beautiful and diverse music. It was a blanket of sorts that still provides me with warmth. Simon and Garfunkel have made an unexpected but welcome appearance on loop in my tired brain today with "April, Come She Will." Although April is given top billing, August's verse was always the most beautiful and the most haunting to me. That is as it should be. It befits the coming season.

Here in DC, Autumn is knocking at the door. It is my personal favorite. I forgive its tricky ways. It can be confounding to decide when it is time to invest in long pants and sleeves for ever growing children, give up on tomato plants and plan menus based on hearty stews instead of salads to make the dollar stretch. But it is my favorite all the same.

I have felt the pull in recent years to be somewhere with fewer extremes, weather being one of them. I am working diligently to move forward and ultimately relocate to a place that better suits my particular temperament and honors my priorities. At this stage in my life, I am honored and served by having my own desires met in stages. It is worth resisting impulsiveness to be surrounded by indescribably steadfast, loving people.

In the meantime, I take joy in the beauty of this particular time in this particular place. The leaves will soon begin to perform their swan song. Nothing dies with quite as much beauty as the leaves of New England where I started out, but the leaves on the trees of the Maryland, DC, Virginia area give them a run for their money. Hikes in Shenandoah are an hour away and free. I cannot wait to step into the kaleidoscope.

I will put on a sweater and let it hug and protect me from the coming cold, feeling grateful, while I marvel at the theater of nature. I will continue to do every bit of work that is necessary to get me and my family to our next place. I know that we will be in a place of fewer extremes when it is time.

In the mean time, September, I'll remember.

Gratitude.

Thank God for Mothers. Period.

Macro, Micro, Meta, Me.

I am trying to live by my creed. At this point, it takes a whole bunch of energy to do that on a macro level. In this gorgeous day-to-day, I am learning about the value of the micro level of things. There is a balance inherent in all viable life. There are simple laws of energy and matter. Many of the bigger things that take up a lot of societal space seem to be hell bent on being sure that we stay broke(n).  It is challenging and gorgeous to explore it all.

There are rules on an atomic level. Atoms, the base of it all, the parts that make up the whole of every living thing, have a system. First, on a pure, basic, elemental level, there are always equal amounts present of both parts that carry a charge. One is positive and one is negative. When that balance is skewed, the element ALWAYS changes and turns into something different. That alone is fantastic. I am aware this is elementary chemistry. It is still fundamentally amazing when applied.

All viable elements need to maintain a certain amount of electrons revolving at a certain orbital around a nucleus to achieve individual balance. They all try to achieve a balanced level of negative charge in the outermost shell. If they do not have that, they seek out bonds that then create molecules, ions, isotopes etc. Basically they seek out what they need to move them forward to the next step of life.  Sometimes this happens by sharing electrons with another element, as is found in water. Sometimes this happens by an element with a  "stronger" negative charge taking electrons from the "weaker" outermost shell of another element, as is found in salt. This speaks to me. Either way there is interaction. It is either mutually shared or there is a charge that creates an unbreakable attraction.Water or salt. Both are viable and necessary. It is all energy. I, personally, prefer water.

For me. the beauty of being at a human stage of carbon based bio matter is that, to a certain degree, I can choose. The more I learn and love and stay open, the better my choices are. My meditation for today is that as a broader society we get back to the basics that matter, the laws of energy and nature, the laws of our place in it all. In my opinion, that is the only place that tracing anything backward will move us forward. Tracing the opinions of "forefathers", no matter how brilliant, will lead us only to pontificate from a place of self-righteousness.

That is the place that I can not identify with in the macro right now. It seems everyone needs to be right. Everyone needs to win. There is little in the public discourse that is about listening and learning and then applying actual factual knowledge and circumspection. It is all necessary. It is about balance. When balance is not achieved, the basics of life break down.

I feel this so much right now. I will still love my way through it. That is the undefinable spirit matter that, for me, is purely personal and can never be defined. The parts that are based in spirit and wonder, and the parts that are based in a science, logic and fact are not mutually exclusive in me. They do not compete with each other. They are inexorably intertwined.

I am glad to be a carbon based life form that can write again.  It feels good on all levels.